Rum & Raisin Bread

🍞⚓️ Double-Rum & Raisin Bread: The Loaf That Legally Shouldn't Be This Drunk

“Baked by a man. Fuelled by rum. Approved by pirates, parrots, and pensioners named Trevor.”

Let’s get one thing straight: this isn’t your mum’s gentle, respectful loaf of Hovis.No. This is The Rolling Stones of baked goods.It smells like a Caribbean brawl. It tastes like holiday infidelity. It’s got so much rum, the loaf may fail a breathalyser.

If you’ve got a mini breadmaker, a bottle of rum, and no fear of flavour, then this, dear reader, is your moment.

🛒 INGREDIENTS: (Costed because we’re not made of money, Sandra)

Ingredient

Amount

Approx. Cost

Humour Rating

Strong white bread flour

230g

£0.20

Very serious

Fast-action yeast

1 tsp

£0.04

Farty

Dark brown sugar

2 tbsp (25g)

£0.05

Stickier than gossip

Fine sea salt

¾ tsp

£0.01

Salty like my ex

Ground cinnamon

¾ tsp

£0.05

Fancy

Ground nutmeg/allspice

½ tsp

£0.05

Optional but fabulous

Dark rum (yes, really)

40ml minimum

£0.50

Necessary for life

Milk or coconut milk

90ml

£0.15

Optional beach vibes

Butter or coconut oil

1 tbsp

£0.10

Slippery

Raisins (sober)

70g

£0.28

Sticky bombs

Extra rum for brushing

2 tsp

£0.05

"Basting the Beast"

💸 Total Loaf Cost: £1.48 (plus therapy for what happens after you eat it)

💰 With electricity & depreciation: £1.58(That’s cheaper than a coffee and tastes 900% more rebellious)

Step 1: Liquid Magic

In the breadmaker pan, add the wet dream trio:

90ml milk (or coconut milk if you fancy yourself exotic)

40ml dark rum (or 60ml if it’s been a week)

1 tbsp butter (room temp, not straight from the fridge of doom)

Step 2: Dry Like My Jokes

Sprinkle on:

230g strong white flour (no, plain won’t do – this is war)

2 tbsp brown sugar (because raisins alone can’t party)

¾ tsp salt (put it far from the yeast, they hate each other)

1 tsp fast-action yeast

Step 3: Spice Deployment (red alert)

Sprinkle with the grace of a hungover Nigella:

¾ tsp cinnamon

½ tsp nutmeg or allspiceIf you sneeze into it – congratulations, you’re now part of the recipe.

Step 4: Raisin the Stakes

If your breadmaker beeps like it’s come alive:

Add 70g raisins at the beep.

If your machine does not beep:

Chuck them in early and let destiny decide. That’s jazz baking, baby.

Step 5: Push The Button, Walk Away

Select your raisin/sweet bread setting. Hit start.Then pour yourself a supportive shot of rum, because baking is emotional.

🍸 OPTIONAL RUM GLAZE (AKA “The Loaf Tantrum Jacket”)

When the loaf is out and still warm:

Brush with 2 tsp dark rum.

If your loaf doesn’t look shiny and slightly flirty – do it again.

Thing

Cost

Ingredients

£1.48

Electricity (2.5hr @ 450W)

~£0.06

Breadmaker depreciation

~£0.04

The smugness of homemade bread

Priceless

🧾 Total: £1.58 – or roughly the price of a Costa coffee the size of your foot.

Toasted with butter so thick it’s legally spreadable cheese.

French toast, then top with cream and pretend you're on MasterChef: Tipsy Edition.

Cubed, baked, drowned in custard: Rum & Raisin Bread Pudding of Shame.

👨‍🍳 BAKER'S NOTES (a.k.a. Frequently Ignored Advice)

Coconut milk gives a softer texture and subtle "Why is this bread wearing sunglasses?" energy.

Don’t use white rum. This isn’t a mojito, it’s a statement.

Don’t tell your guests how much rum is in it. Watch their expressions. Enjoy.

Q: Can I make this without a breadmaker?A: Technically yes. But why make life harder than it already is?

Q: Can I use sultanas instead of raisins?A: Only if you enjoy disappointing yourself.

Q: Can I eat the whole loaf in one go?A: Absolutely. But make sure your will is up to date and your sofa has a seatbelt.

This isn’t bread.This is culinary anarchy, wrapped in carbs, soaked in rum, and delivered via mini breadmaker like some kind of kitchen-based revolution.

Make it. Eat it. Brag about it online.Then lie down in a satisfied heap and listen to Reggae Gold 1996 while whispering

“I am bread.”

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